Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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