Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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