also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
