I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
