my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
