The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
