remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize