Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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