We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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