You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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