I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
