I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
