I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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