i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
