Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
