I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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