I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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