I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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