bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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