remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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