So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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