The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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