What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
