I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
