New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
