i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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