i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
