you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
