Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
