If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
