I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Im part way to drunk.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
