just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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