Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
