he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My feet surprised me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
