I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
