yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
