don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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