I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
