my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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