he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
