the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
