I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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