Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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