she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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