I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
