I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I looked at my own cervix.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
