i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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