I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
