Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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