I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
