his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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