I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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