You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
