Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
