Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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