i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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