I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
