sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize